I am losing it. Losing complete control of my emotions. I feel like a manic depressive that is skipping meds. I never know what is going to set me off or reduce me to tears and I never know how long either event is going to take to get over.
The first episode was at my baby shower. I tried to thank everyone, nearly immediately started crying and then COULD NOT get myself together. I've never been a crier really, so the fact that I was crying in front of a bunch of friends and family was a shock to me. I mean, I get it. A small emotional breakdown after the overwhelming generosity of all your friends and family...mehhh, acceptable, or at least ignorable, by most people's standards.
It was just that I really couldn't stop. It was a sad version of a bloopers real when you see an actor temporarily gain composure until they have to repeat their line, and then they are out of control again. That was me...a teary bloopers real with a giant belly.
Thinking back I guess this wasn't the first episode. It was the first that was hard to control...but I think the first irrational cry came at about 5 months when I asked Zac to do something with me, like watch a movie or whatever. If I remember right, we were in bed and he blew me off.
This is very common. Zac does not do bedtime (or recently woken up) well. Once he has laid down for the night, he is loathe to get up from bed for any reason or to communicate in anything more than a series of grunts. So when I was trying to talk to him after he had already rolled over and "backed that ass up" towards me (his daily indicator that his day is officially, unequivocally over) I knew I shouldn't be bothering. After nearly 7 years spent with this man, I know the score when it comes to bedtime chitchat. Doesn't mean that I didn't start bawling...cause I definitely did. I believe I told him "We only have 4 more months together that it is just us...Our lives are changing forever....There is no going back....blah blah blah meltdown." Zac begrudgingly consoled me by rolling over and flinging his big arm across me and assuring me it would be ok with all the nonchalance he could muster.
I find as I get closer and closer to my due date that now the emotional spectrum has gotten reduced itself for me again. I am either happy, crying, or raging. Very little in between. The funniest part is that I know when I am being crazy and I try not to. Sometimes it works.
The other night Zac made me mad. I can't remember why. Again, this happened near bedtime. Zac was pretty much down for the count immediately after his "offending comment" pushed me over the edge. I bawled. Like fully bawled, gaspy breath meltdown cry. I just left the bedroom. Zac was already asleep and how was I gonna explain to him that this was simply the perfect storm. That I was cryng because I was mad about what he said, and that my office wasn't done, and that my belly has stretch marks and that I hate doing dishes and it is hard to roll over in bed and I get short of breath bending and Cliff's shelves needed hung and I saw a pair of newborn sized socks and I am GIANT!
Raging, raging hormones.
Zac and I worked on the office again yesterday and my crazy was in full swing. Like I mentioned in my previous post, we both want to be the boss cow. Bad.
The problem yesterday was that Zac could not visualize how I wanted my front desk....which lead to him argue with me about how I wanted it set up. Each time I explained it my voice got a little higher and my eyes got a little wider until I realized I am basically yelling at him about my computer screens being hidden so patients can't see other patients PRIVATE HEALTH INFORMATION. THERE ARE VERY SPECIFIC REASONS WHY I WANT IT LIKE THIS! He was taken aback. He just looked at me and said "sorry...just can't imagine what it will look like."
The day continued in such fashion. We took out the cabinets and sink. Then we made a list of stuff to go get at Menards. I asked Zac to measure the drain pipe that came out of the wall so we could get the fitting to cap it. He informed me that we should just leave it until Sunday. I told him I didn't want an open pipe just kicking it for days. He then said "most people just cover it with duct tape." I reminded him, it is not in a closet, it is "fully visible behind my front desk. Please mesure it." He argued again until I found myself yelling, "For f*** sake Zac measure the drain pipe so we can buy the freaking fitting! The pipe is threaded. There is clearly a fitting that screws right on. I don't give a damn what other people do WE ARE PUTTING A CAP ON IT!" Our drive to Mendards was silent.
It would seem that my recent baptism has filled me with the holy spirit. It's times like those that I am thankful for the extra grace so that when I yell cuss words at my husband, he lets it go relatively quickly even when I haven't apologized.
After we got home he heard me laughing as I was relaying the conversation to my little sister. I told her, "I can't control myself. I am emotionally on the edge at all times." He laughed. Then he proceeded to tell me that when I get to raging my eyes gradually get a little wider and it makes me look a little crazy and it is all he can do to keep from laughing. Apparently the "puss-in-boots" look is winning me some leeway. Thank goodness Zac is not a grudge holder.
I suppose when I see this picture, and then think about what I must look like when hollering about countertop heights, it is ridiculous.
And, on second thought, that kitten is amazingly cute. I wish I had a beautiful cuddly kitten that would love me unconditionally, I wish we had a pet.....I'm gonna cry about it.